Hopeless and Helpless

I can't sleep.
4:20 just passed and I have nothing to smoke.

Insomnia takes over.
Now, after lying in bed for over 2 hours...
I spring up.

Why can I not get her out of my mind?
She clearly told me that we're just friends...
But I still have hope.

I can't help but feeling like I love her.
Yet I do not know what love is.

I am the most deprived man.
Deprived of sexual healing.
However, I've had my chances.
If I could go back, I would have just had fun.
For I am lost.
Loving some one who doesn't return the feelings.
This happened before,
Only last time, I held it back much more.
I am too shy;
And I do not trust people.

By the time I get to know some one,
They have already decided that I'm just a loser.
Before I get to know them, they'd be willing to sleep with me.
I just don't get it.
Why do people just jump into things, spontaneously?
Why do I not?

I've been considering suicide,
For a long time.
However, I know that I am too much of a coward to pull it off.
Plus, I love my family and friends too much.

If I was to die today,
I would feel accomplished.
Funny thing is, my friend said the other day:
"When 2012 comes and you die a virgin, you will be like:
'oh fuck, I didn't even get to fuck'!"
Then, he went on to say that I am brainwashed by the media,
For "not being attracted to fatties".
Maybe so...
But why is it that he drives it into my head that I must have sex with women,
Before I die?

I suppose that every man is born to pass on his genes;
So it is natural to need sex, as a man.
However, my thinking is that more men and women should use their brains.
Not only is the population out of control,
But there is a slew of diseases that you can get.
I'd rather hold onto my spiritual whole...
Something that is lost when you have sex, just to have sex.

I can't deny that I feel love for this one;
But that she does not love me back.
It is typical.
When I have no feelings for women who offer themselves to me,
I do not make an effort to sleep with them.
The reason is that I would like it to be meaningful.
I'd like some one to have my back, before we link up.

However, now I am getting old.
Time has gone by, and all I feel is regret.
Regret for not enjoying myself, when I had opportunity.

All of my friends laugh at me.
That is fine, and dandy.
In fact, I set myself up to be a joke.
The laughing matter is me, and I enjoy it;
But right now, I don't feel like laughing.
I feel like crying.
Mainly because I feel hurt.
I can go on being her friend...
But my feelings will become stronger, each time we are together.
This, I must confess.
The ending result will be her being pushed away by my feelings.
That is my prediction.

I don't even know how to treat a lady.
So if she did give me a chance, who knows what would happen.
She deserves so much better.
That is all I know.
A nice guy with a career and a house.
One who could just take her in, and treat her well.

However, isn't this the same old story?
I've always wanted a woman who loved me for me.
Not the job I have.
Not the money I make.
This is the main reason I did not make moves on the one I loved, when I was 19.
She had all these requirements to be met before she'd consider a guy to be hers.
I would not comply.

Fuck it.
Life sucks.
I sure would love to end this world;
For me, and every one else in it.
I may just get my chance...
If I do, you can say goodbye to your sorrow.
Say goodbye to your feelings and your thoughts.

Souls would remain so much more intact if there was no bodies to capture them.
The physical world is one that I despise.

I feel so dirty.
Being that our bodies are basically made of dirt and mud, that would make sense.

I don't really give a fuck who reads this.
I should be working on music, or some other fantastic feat.

I am beginning to realize that I will never accomplish anything,
Unless I have a good woman by my side.

I can't stop thinking about this one, in particular;
And she haunts me.
I never want to see that look of sorrow on her face, again...
But I am sure that I will.
I may even be the cause of it.

I just want to forget every thing.
I want to go to a place that is far away;
And I want to take her with me.
Her, and all of my real friends.

I'm sick of feeling down on myself;
But I can't help it.
I am not happy.
Feeling comfort and love are two different things.
Love fucking hurts.

It is somewhat ironic that I am not happy because I am not with her;
Especially when I claim that I don't mind being alone.

I need some fucking attention!
I need to go ahead and just kill myself.
Relieve this world of my stench and my corruption.
The problem is, that is what every one needs to do.
This Earth would be so much better with no human beings on it.
I hate my own kind.
I can't stand the animalistic nature of us all.
When our energy is let go of these bodies that have it trapped,
We will feel so much better.

Dream power is one thing that I love to experience.
This brain is only good for one thing,
And that thing is creative thinking.
If we could all have one big collective dream,
Then we would be...
Alive and in a shit hole, together.
Can't we chose to have a better collective dream?
The answer is:
Fuck yes, we can...
But we must collectively chose to have that dream together.

My dream is to tell the whole world to fuck off and die.
Don't build another world from scratch.
Take no action.
Have no thought.
Don't rewrite.
Don't write, period...
Because it is not right.



~theMuzzl3

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